RIP - Vivien M R Cook (Honorary Breconian, 73-82)

Vivien Margaret Roxana Cook: Honorary Breconian, 1973 - 1982

Born 9th August 1939 - Died 5th July 2024

Vivien Margaret Lamb was born in Berkhamsted on August 9th 1939. Well that’s what her mother Marjorie thought. However, her father Victor had an impish streak, aligned with an unexplained liking for the name Roxana and when he went, alone, to register the birth, he decided to add the extra middle name to her birth certificate.

Much of Mum’s early life was shaped by the outbreak of war just 23 days after her birth. Victor was a rising star in The Royal Navy and, as such, he regularly moved to different bases. To provide educational stability for their daughter, her parents enrolled her at Berkhamsted School for Girls, a boarding school where Mum made a number of lifelong friends, who perhaps were drawn together by each being an only child. Boarding schools were different in those days. Manners were all-important and it was deemed to be impolite to ask for anything to be passed to you at mealtimes; those around you were somehow expected to ‘sense’ your needs. Those impeccable manners Mum acquired would very much stay with her for the rest of her life, and she even managed to pass a few of them onto her children. Mum’s favourite book was Jane Eyre, which she read over and over again as a teenager, perhaps seeing something of the eponymous heroine’s sharp wit and determination in herself.

School holidays were sometimes spent with her parents, depending on where Victor was based, and sometimes with her maternal grandparents. She was particularly close to her three cousins, Diane, John and Tricia, who she would spend many holidays with. Mum was the eldest of the four and would very much ensure that the youngsters were kept in check.

Mum left school with some fine grades and earned a place to read geography at the London School of Economics. However, she was somewhat ahead of her time and decided to take a gap year, to see more of the world, and to spend time with her parents who, at that time, were based in Melbourne. However, this was no 22 hour flight to the Antipodes and she spent 4 weeks getting there on a ship that left from Tilbury Dock on December 3rd 1957. From her trip diary: ‘My cabin is quite small, but very pleasant, and the whole ship is very warm. We sit at a table for six with the Staff Commander and Mr and Mrs Johnson, who are Australian’. En route she stopped off at, amongst other places, Gibraltar, Naples, Cairo, Aden, Colombo and Perth, before arriving in Melbourne in time for the New Year. The seeds of her love for seeing new places were well and truly sown. When in Australia, she travelled independently up the east coast as far as Cairns, a journey she would repeat, at her father’s insistence and expense, with Dad and us three some 30 years later. She was very proud that friendships that her parents made in Australia have been passed on through the generations to the current day, the closest of which has been with, ironically, the Cook family from Melbourne. This is just one example of how good Mum was at keeping in touch with people, not just through letters and emails, but she would take every opportunity to visit people, both in this country and abroad, and welcome them into her home. She was a great correspondent and would never miss a birthday or anniversary.

Mum returned in time to start her degree course and, on arriving in her London University College Hall Residence in October 1958, she was deemed to have quite an Australian accent. She made many lasting friendships, and some of these friends were less than subtle in extolling the virtues of a male physics undergraduate who she had shared a microscope with in geology practicals in her second year. Dad was not a quick mover, however, and it took him until just after their finals in 1961 to invite her on their first date, to watch a cricket match at Lord’s. It’s hard to say how things went, but Mum got a job as a Town Planner in Derbyshire soon after. However, the lure of the bright lights, and possibly Dad, saw Mum return to London after just a year, to join her parents at The Royal Naval College in Greenwich, where her father had been appointed as the Dean. Mum invited as many of her friends as possible to experience the marvellous social occasions and stunning surroundings there.

She was appointed as a geography teacher at Blackheath High School inspiring her pupils to aim high and go to university.  Alongside this, her relationship with Dad began to really blossom, while he studied for a PhD at Guy’s Hospital. Just over 60 years ago, on August 1st, they married in the beautiful chapel at The Royal Naval College and moved into a small, rented, top-floor flat in Blackheath.

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Whatever attracted Mum to Dad, it was definitely not lavish gifting or money, which was particularly tight as Dad finished off his studies, as evidenced by a note we found:

‘Darling Viv, You know that I have no idea what to get you for your birthday. I was going to give you £1 towards a new dressing gown – but then you took my last £1 today to do your hair! So please think of this piece of paper as an I.O.U. for £1 and I will let you have the cash as soon as is practicable. All my love, John’

They soon moved to Haileybury in Hertfordshire and, as a very sociable couple, quickly settled into the school community, as well as that of the church in Ware. We are sure that, as an intelligent, hardworking individual, Mum could have carved out a fine career for herself but it was at this point in her life when her maternal instincts really kicked in. Having not had siblings herself, she was very keen to have several children. She got the ball rolling with David in 1967, followed by me in 1969 and then Richard in 1972. Whenever we teased Rich that, as a third child, he must have been a mistake, the ever-practical Mum would reply that they had intended to have four children, but, in the days before people carriers, they realised they could not fit four children in the back of a trusty Ford Cortina estate.

In January 1973, with three children under the age of 6, Mum and Dad upped sticks and took on the challenge of all that came with moving into Headmaster’s House, Christ College, Brecon. It was the start of a rather extraordinary 20 years for Mum when, all too often, she was known by many as The Headmaster’s Wife. She loved living in Wales, surrounded by the natural beauty of Bannau Brycheiniog, known then as the Brecon Beacons National Park. A more rural pace of life in a friendly market town was very much to her liking. She juggled her dual roles of being an immense support to Dad and making sure that her children took part in every activity possible with aplomb. With three active, sociable children willing to give everything a go, this was some feat in itself. Mum was a great supporter of any performance or match we were in, always helping us keep things in perspective, whether we had been winners or losers. Mum loved getting to know our friends’ parents and, consequently, she felt a real part of the wider community beyond the school. But she was also learning on the job at the comparatively tender age of 33 when it came to her school role. We found some notes Mum had made when, with her 20 years of experience, she gave a talk to new Heads’ spouses. She recalled some advice she had received from a Headmaster’s wife when starting out: ‘Whatever you do will be wrong’. Mum didn’t agree with this, but understood why it had been said. In reality, she got so much right. Faced with no job specification, she carved out her own inimitable way of doing things. She was an absolute natural in any social situation. Whether welcoming nervous 11 year-olds into the house for ‘New Boys tea’ or hosting the local Bishop at a dinner party, Mum put everyone at ease. She was so good at conversing with people; getting them to talk about their experiences, thoughts and feelings. At large functions, she had a sixth sense for anyone who looked unsure and left out, making a beeline for them and ensuring that everyone present felt they were an integral part of the gathering. She kept a close eye on the spouses of teachers and their families, offering them support and advice whenever needed. But the number one thing that Mum advised in her talk to new Heads’ spouses was: ‘Be there for your husband – sometimes you are his only ear.’ We know how much Dad valued mum’s love and support and he repeatedly said that there is absolutely no way that he could have done what he did without her. They were very much a team and a very effective one at that.

After several family holidays in Pembrokeshire, Mum and Dad loved the area so much that they acquired their first property, a semi-detached static caravan on the edge of spider-infested woodland, a few miles inland. Our rather indulged children are never sure if we’re being serious when we tell them the stories of the one Mars bar being shared between the five of us on those holidays, or the one ice cream a week allowance with the no-flake rule being strictly applied, or the one family pub meal we had out each year, but the thing that possibly amuses them (and us) most, is that this dwelling was always referred to rather grandly as ‘The Chalet’! Mum and Dad were masters of upselling. In 1982, Mum persuaded Dad that there were enough savings to buy a proper bricks and mortar house in Broad Haven, albeit a bungalow on a council estate whose décor forever remained firmly stuck in the 70s. She loved Pembrokeshire.

But this coincided with a career move for Dad in the opposite direction, to Epsom College in Surrey. A bigger school meant more people to get to know, more functions to attend, more hosting to be done, and a faster pace of life for Mum. But, appearing much like a swan moving serenely in the water but with plenty going on beneath the surface, she worked dutifully to do all she could to help the school community. She was a reassuring presence backstage at drama productions; she hosted days for Epsom parents to get to know each other; she looked after partners and spouses of interviewees. It is hard to do justice to exactly what Mum did and we have been touched by the countless messages about the positive effect that Mum had on people’s lives. Her thoughtful nature, and reassuring words and actions were hugely appreciated by so many. They gained many more friends from their Epsom days, both through the school and through our friends’ parents, and Mum has really enjoyed staying in touch with them over the years.

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There is no doubt that Mum gained a lot from her role in schools and she genuinely enjoyed meeting people. She also loved her many privileged experiences, such as showing Queen Elizabeth II to the loo in our house on her visit to Epsom College, dining on HMS Victory, twice being in the Royal Box at Wimbledon, and looking after the ball for the 1991 Rugby World Cup final the night before the big game, which they decided was safest under their bed! She gained pleasure from seeing young people achieve highly in work, sport, drama, art and music, and this increased her own experience and enjoyment of these things. But it was not all a bed of roses, and Mum felt sometimes that she lacked her own identity amongst the 7 day-a-week pressures of term-time boarding school life.

After 20 years at Brecon and Epsom, Mum and Dad both felt they needed a change in their pace of life to spend more time together and they moved to Bagshot in 1992. They quickly established themselves as active and supportive members of the community here at St Anne’s and in their neighbourhood. Mum got very involved with the Senior Wives’ Fellowship, taking various committee positions, and she enjoyed her regular walking group, meeting more people and discovering some of the hidden gems of the surroundings. She was very connected with nature and knew a lot about flora and fauna, information she loved passing onto us, and then onto her grandchildren.

Mum loved meeting all the interesting people who passed through Cumberland Lodge during their time there, and embraced the nature to be found within Windsor Great Park. She had a key to a back gate to Savill Garden and it was a real privilege for her to visit the beautiful flowers in the evening when it was closed to the public.

When they returned to Bagshot full-time, there were more opportunities to visit their house in Broad Haven and some extensive travelling was undertaken, all over the world. Mum always felt very connected with Australia and went a number of times, as well as taking her father to India to retrace his steps from when he was posted there during independence. She was always eager to take opportunities to watch live sport; particularly cheering on Wales in Cardiff, given her allegiances to Brecon and Pembrokeshire.

Mum was a great supporter of her seven grandchildren, watching as many performances, concerts and matches as possible and treating them to exciting days out. She took great pride in their many achievements and enormous pleasure from just chatting with them.

Mum’s gradual decline over the last 10 years due to Alzheimer’s was hard for both her and all who love her. Her strong faith helped her to maintain a positive outlook and, even when she started to forget who people were, she enjoyed the company of friendly faces and continued to appreciate the beauty of nature. She was a founding member of the Miriam Grace Day Club that meets regularly here in the church hall and continues to do wonderful work stimulating minds with fun activities, in Mum’s case, giving Dad a much-needed break. We are very grateful to the Right at Home team for supporting Mum at home since Dad’s death. She has had some wonderful carers who have brought out the best in her and the care that Anna and Sue provided over the final 2 weeks was quite extraordinary. There were some special moments of joy when Mum started recognising family members in photos just days before her death. We will be eternally grateful that Mum was able to die peacefully in her own home with the three of us by her side.

Mum was particularly drawn to a quote from Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure: ‘Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.’ She very much lived her life with these words in mind, bringing so much good to others because she did not fear to attempt the difficult. She would move heaven and earth to make things happen, never retreating behind ‘it’s too difficult’ or ‘it’s too short notice’. From hosting university reunions, or wider family or godchild gatherings, and welcoming and visiting friends, to approaching strangers with a friendly word when they looked in need of it, Mum was the epitome of kindness, loyalty, selflessness, empathy and patience. She was extremely loving, positive and had a real inner strength. She exemplified Christian virtues and left a memorable and positive mark on all who met her. Mum, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all you have done for everyone who knew you, and particularly all you have done for Dad, your grandchildren and us your children. We are all blessed to have known and be loved by you and, after all you have given to others, we trust that you are now with Dad and resting in peace.

Thansk to the family for this tribute.